Beyond Pain and Trauma
Image by Khia Onyá White
I get so mad when he isn’t totally dependable. He has a habit of telling…
me he would be home at a certain time but then he comes in hours later than promised. I get so angry, and we end up having these huge shouting matches because he doesn’t think its a big deal. It is a BIG deal. I can’t trust him. My dad did that to me growing up. He would promise that he was going to come get me for the weekend and never show up. Things got very heated during a recent argument between my boyfriend and me. He wasn’t listening to me and was acting as if I were being irrational. I couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped out of his car and slammed the door, trapping my purse on the inside. I yanked on the handle and was screaming at him in this parking lot about how much I hated him. I totally lost it. He put the car in reverse, breaking my purse strap. He slammed on the brakes, and before I knew it, I was kicking the passenger door so hard that I dented it. I am so embarrassed that I acted like that, but sometimes I can’t control myself” (Heather, 41, from the Fatherless Daughters Project).
The above excerpt is a story of Heather, who admits how she expresses her anger as a fatherless daughter.
Anger is one of the hallmark emotions of daughters who have dads or fathers who left by choice. The emotions of anger accompanied by aggression are two of the emotional and psychological traumas that fatherless daughters express as a way of demonstrating their frustration stemmed from past hurt.
Trauma is an emotional response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event. It can have a profound impact on a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. As for fatherless or daddyless daughters, they often experience a range of traumas that affect their emotional, psychological, behavioral, relational, and social well-being. Some of the dominant ones are low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, behavioral challenges, academic decline, substance abuse, trust issues, attachment issues, identity crises, and a lack of meaning and purpose in life.
The journey beyond the pain of fatherlessness is not only possible but can be deeply transformative. If you are a fatherless daughter, healing and empowerment are attainable through understanding, self-compassion, and intentional actions. While the pain of fatherlessness is real, it is not insurmountable. Here are key strategies to help fatherless daughters move beyond their trauma:
1. Acknowledge the Pain
The next step toward healing, after awareness, is acknowledging the pain. This involves giving yourself permission to feel hurt, disappointed, and even angry. Understanding that these emotions are valid is crucial. Suppressing them only prolongs the healing process. Writing in a journal, talking to a therapist, or even discussing your feelings with trusted friends can be therapeutic. Heather could have taken a deep breath and explained her pain without necessarily yelling at her boyfriend. She could have checked in within her to label her feelings and communicate the real root of the issue to him.
2. Reframe Your Narrative
The story you tell yourself about your father’s absence can shape your identity. You have the power to label things and situations in your favor. Read this again! While emotionally absent fathers can leave lifelong wounds on girls’ hearts; rather than viewing yourself as "unwanted," “abandoned,” “unworthy,” or "unloved," try to stay in the present moment and reframe your narrative. Recognize that your father’s absence is not a reflection of your worth. You are valuable, deserving of love, and capable of great things despite the circumstances of your past. Instead of Heather screaming how much she hates her boyfriend, she could have still held him accountable while still helping him realize that the dynamics of the relationship isn’t all about him. Setting healthier expectations could help lessen future conflict in the area of accountability and trust.
3. Practice Self and Other Compassion
Having compassion for yourself and others involves treating each other in the relational dynamics with kindness, understanding, and patience—especially when dealing with painful emotions. Recognize that healing is a journey, not a destination. Allow yourself to make mistakes and grow from them without harsh self-judgment. In the case of Heather, opening up and being vulnerable to her partner is a better approach that offers a chance for them to be closer. They can both see themselves in the light of who they are and not what they perceive or assume their actions and inactions to be.
Bonus: Seek Supportive Network
Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people can make a significant difference. This might include friends, mentors, or even community groups that share and understand your experience. At the GEM Daughters Network, for example, we provide a space for fatherless daughters to connect, share, and grow together. Given that therapy, coaching, and counseling can be immensely beneficial in unpacking the layers of trauma associated with fatherlessness, we are equipped with and have an acute awareness of functional mental health professionals that we can point you to and guide you through the process of understanding your feelings, developing coping mechanisms, and rebuilding your self-esteem. By focusing on your intentional and healthy growth, you can redefine your identity and find fulfillment independent of your father’s presence.
The journey from pain and trauma is a deeply personal one, but it is possible for every fatherless daughter. By acknowledging your pain, seeking support, and focusing on growth, you can transform your trauma into strength. Remember, your past does not define you—your resilience, your choices, and your capacity to love yourself and others do. Understand that family can extend beyond biological ties. Good mentors, teachers, coaches, and even friends can serve as father figures or provide the guidance and support you may feel you missed. Redefining what family means to you can be liberating and help you create a new sense of belonging.
To help support individuals like Heather is one of the reasons the GEM Daughters Network exists. In addition to hearing the stories of fatherless daughters, we want to help women and girls modify their reactions (trauma responses, past pain, and all) and begin to make decisions from their strengths while they transform, blossom, and function in their true potential. We are passionate about supporting our women as they develop healthy coping mechanisms to help them manage stress, stay grounded, maintain a positive outlook on life, and bounce back from adversity.
You are not alone on this journey. Regardless of the startling statistics of tens of millions of fatherless daughters that exist, there are countless others who have walked a similar path and have emerged stronger, wiser, and more empowered. Your story is unique, but the power to rewrite it lies within you.
Embrace your journey, honor your experiences, and step into the empowered future you deserve. Join our community and grow alongside other daughters. Come all in and let us help support you as you transform!
